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Why Your Team Sucks 2. Washington Redskins. Some people are fans of the Washington Redskins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins.

This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Go fuck yourselves. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 8- 7- 1, featuring one of my favorite interceptions of all time. Oh, I LIKE THAT. I like that a whole, whole lot.

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FACT: That was the only good thing that happened in the NFL last season. The rest of the season was miserable, but that pick? You guys were really feeling yourselves after destroying the Packers, weren’t you? Only made it sweeter when the Skins bombed against a Carolina team that was already mailing it in, and then were finally eliminated on the above play. The Giants weren’t even playing for anything. GLORY TO GOD. I despise this team.

Every indignity they suffer is a victory for mankind. They belong in the dumpster with their awful playbooks. By the way, the Skins are gonna pay the man who threw that pick $2. I’m over the moon. Your coach: Jay Gruden. Again, Jay Gruden sounds exactly like a handyman running you through an estimate. Once you hear it, it cannot be unheard.

Patch it up with some joint compound and then you’re set to go. Looking at around, eh, let’s call it $2. Remember when he truthered one of his own player’s concussion problems? That was fun. I have no confidence in this man to do anything useful.

Any success of his is a clear accident. Elsewhere on the staff, Sean Mc. Vay fled to the Rams and the team dropped defensive coordinator Joe Barry after his masterful strategy of NOT putting his best corner on Antonio Brown backfired.

And how did Gruden fill both these vacancies? On offense, he promoted Matt Cavanaugh, whose greatest claim to fame is presiding over the worst Super Bowl- winning offense in history. On defense, the team conducted a bizarrely drawn- out search (can this team ever not bungle a hiring process?) that included also- rans like Gus Bradley and Mike Pettine before they were forced to meekly elevate Greg Manusky to the job. I love it when the Skins get spurned by every possible outside candidate before turning around, finding some pud already in the building, and then being like, “Well this was CLEARLY the man for the job.” But they did manage to bring in one very special assistant. People of D. C., your defensive line is in good hands now that Jim Tomsula has arrived. Jay Gruden may sound like a handyman but Tomsula IS one. All the man needs is a piece of cardboard and some gum from the underside of a park bench, and he’s ready to WORK.

Your quarterback: Kurt Cousins! Apart from full- on contraction, I can think of no better fate for this team than for them to be held hostage by a thoroughly average, hotheaded quarterback who times his interceptions for maximum devastation. Kirk Cousins’s franchise tag in 2. Skins will probably have to pay up if they don’t want him to walk to L. A. How marvelous. Since Dan Snyder and his toadies have all the interpersonal skills of a Trump press secretary, they fucked up every possible aspect of handling the Cousins situation. They could have locked him down at $2.

Then they low- balled Cousins when he outplayed that figure. Then Cousins personally appealed to Snyder for a trade and was denied. Then they tarred Cousins as greedy. Then team President Bruce Allen—aka Fancy Vinny Cerrato—kept calling him “Kurt” and the PR staff attributed it to his accent. At this point, the Skins have essentially painted themselves into a corner where they’d actually benefit from having Cousins snap his leg while playing out there.

I was around this spring as this fanbase tried to talk itself into every possible Kirk Cousin endgame scenario. Kirk Cousins is gonna throw 1. Snyder. I love him now. What’s new that sucks: Oh, the just the standard Skins thing where they froze their own general manager out of the pre- draft process, let him twist, canned him right before the draft, and then deliberately leaked stories about him being a drunk to the Washington Post. An official with direct knowledge of the situation attributed the decision to Mc. Cloughan’s ongoing problems with alcohol.

This has been a disaster for 1. Yep, just another pathetic offseason in Dan Snyder’s crypt. Not only did they smear Scot Mc. Cloughan on their way out of town, but of course they kept his draft board and scouting reports and used all of them. I cannot emphasize enough how gross these people are. Download Beguiled (2017) Movie Online. Allen is a boozer who doesn’t like anyone stealing credit from him, and who openly told Mc.

Cloughan, “Nobody likes you in this building. Nobody wants you here.” Join us next offseason when he leaks to Liz Clarke that Jay Gruden is a crack addict. He and Snyder and Larry Michael and PR goon Tony Wyllie all deserve to rot in hell. After a cursory GM search that included mildly amusing rumored candidates like Mike Mayock, the team decided to hire from within (what a surprise!) and promote Doug Williams. And with that, Snyder’s supply of Glory Days Skins to trot out when everything is a raging tire fire has been just about depleted. On the field, the team lost De. Sean Jackson and Pierre Gar.

Pryor was the Browns’ best wideout last year by far and they let him walk for nothing. Did that ring ANY alarm bells in Ashburn? Did it cause them to wonder at all about Pryor’s penchant for turdery? No, they already knew he’d fit right in. And really, what does it matter? This team doesn’t really give a fuck about winning football games. Snyder has an enormous hard- on for a new stadium and is already muscling press outlets and bribing state governors to get it.

Everything else is window dressing. All he cares about is getting a new joint where he can charge $1. Pepsi logo on everything. Look at this fat ruddy shitheap: That Tostitos bag.

Given this man’s business acumen, I expect Pepsi. Co to go bankrupt sometime within the next five days thanks to this partnership. What has always sucked: Vile. Disgusting, vile, despicable, miserable scum. Like the President, the Skins have fashioned bullying and incompetence and proud ignorance into their brand essence, alienating most of society while cultivating their own grotesque orc base that cheers on their every fuckup and excuses their monstrous treatment of fans, employees, and entire municipalities. They have found their niche as the Official NFL Team Of Terrible People and have no compunction about exploiting their standing to the fullest.

Indeed, I think Snyder ENJOYS having this team shoot itself in the face every offseason. Shamelessness is the only business he seems to thrive in. They deserve to have nothing but bad things happen to them from here into infinity.

And to Terry Mc. Auliffe and any other dickless pol who is actually entertaining the idea of gifting Snyder his own billion- dollar Snyderworld stadium? Fuck you a million times. Shame on you. Shame on you and everything you’ve ever stood for. Download Girls Trip (2017) Movie Score.

Pairing up with this team is the surest sign that you give ZERO fucks about the people you purport to represent. You should be jailed for war crimes. No themed Tostitos for you.

Terry Mc. Auliffe was willing to publicly trash D. C. He’s a rat- faced fuck. On the field, the team is still counting on Junior Galette for the pass rush even though he was hurt all last year and has a penchant for whipping people with belts and beating up the help. Jordan Reed is their best skill player and will get hurt 1. Josh Norman came here and instantly became a dickhead. What might not suck: Congrats!

You won your trademark suit in federal court! Now the only thing stopping you from changing the Skins nickname is basic human decency. Looks like you’ll be the Washington Redskins for a very, very long time. They had a nice draft. Did you know? Buy two Skins season tickets and get a free bundle of tiki torches! HEAR IT FROM REDSKINS FANS!

Matt: We are the only team in the NFL without an 1. Alex: Bruce Allen is Langley High School scum.

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